Dude my mom stole all your condoms
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Randomize
