Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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