woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
