i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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