Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
