Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
