i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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