you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
