I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
