you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
