I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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