I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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