NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
