still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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