I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Panties = found
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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