My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
