My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
