Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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