I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
