i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
