He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
