Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
as a side note pls kill me
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
