Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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