hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
