Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
nutella sex= disaster
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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