I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
