I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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