i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
