Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
