as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Randomize
