She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
