i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize