The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
