You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
