i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
