You don't have asthma, your pregnant
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
