Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
