You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
