Pants 0. Shit 1.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Randomize
