Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
