my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
