we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
zippers are such a cool invention
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Randomize
