oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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