I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
