I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
