I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
