I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
