Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Define "chronic" masturbator.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Randomize
