Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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