I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
The feeling are messing with the penis
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Randomize
